Normal
by laufeysonss
Summary: Danny and Reuven discuss homosexuality and Freud, or more like Reuven thinks through his feelings a bit more. Not very cute, not very good but necessary so you can understand what i think Reuven and Danny fee about homosexuality. Danny/Reuven The Chosen-Chaim Potok must read: /2012/05/22/what-does-the-torah-really-say-about-homosexual-acts/


Normal

Danny abruptly looked up from his paper and straight at me. "Reuven, look right here, Freud says it's perfectly normal. Whatever you're feeling, whatever we're feeling. Normal." he exclaimed in a hushed manner. I paused my reading and cast a sideward glance at Danny, feeling a flush come to my cheeks.

"I'm still not so sure Danny. It feels all wrong. In here," I said, pointing to my stomach. I looked down meagerly; these conversations made me uncomfortable.

"But Reuven," Danny asked, gesturing to his heart, "How does it feel in here?" I sighed.

"I don't know, Danny," I conceded, looking up slowly at his blazing blue eyes. He was staring at me intently, trying to read me, swallow me like he did his books. My heart was pounding and I felt sick, like I was going to throw up. I think Danny saw my tension and backpedaled his proclamations.

"It doesn't matter anyway Reuven," Danny tried slowly. "I was only trying to make you feel better. I'm sorry," he managed, his eyes gentle and welcoming.

"It's fine Danny. I just-it's fine. Can I go back to reading now?" I asked him whilst slowly opening my book. He gave me a look of resignation and turned around, his back against mine. This was how we sat sometimes, when we didn't want to be distracted by one anothers' covert stares, or maybe if we wanted to signify the end of a heated discussion. I slowly turned around, my back against his, and began to read again. I could feel Danny shift as he lifted a hand to stroke his earlock.

"I'm sorry Reuven," he whispered, almost to himself. I let out a long breath. My thoughts were still racing. I couldn't stop thinking about what Freud had said. _Normal?_ How could feeling that way about another boy be normal? Honestly, I couldn't help the way my stomach turned when I saw the way the sun reflected off Danny's blue eyes. I had tried to push back some desires, some that must be sins, but in the end nothing ever changed. _Leviticus 18:22 A man should not lie with a man as one lies with a woman, it is to'ebah. What does that even mean? _But how you this be a to'ebah, an abomination? Does it then mean that it's okay to be with a man, so long as you don't sleep with him. You may love him in the same way a woman, just not sleep with them. But sex is a proclamation of love. A consecration of everything pure and right. Is it then that love, unfiltered and true is an abomination? I hated that verse just then, the one that said I couldn't admire Danny's cheekbones, that I couldn't imagine the way it would feel to thread my fingers in between his, that I couldn't pretend to feel the soft press of his lips against mine while we sat in our corner of the library and-I could feel my heart pounding as my thoughts raced. This is so, so, so, so, wrong. Suddenly, I was aware of the heat of Danny's back against mine and I shivered. _God, _I muttered, _if you didn't want me to have these feelings, why tempt me with this boy?_ I closed my book and put it down next to me.

"Danny," I whispered. All of a sudden, I really needed to talk. All these things in my head, I needed to let them out. It did feel right in my heart, but where it really felt wrong was my head.

"Danny, it feels right in my heart. But Danny, not in my head. I'm not sure it will ever feel right in my head because it's wrong Danny. It feels really good when we're together, but when you put a name to it, _homosexuality,_ that's when it feels wrong. When it becomes real. Boy with boy. The Torah doesn't allow that...I don't think. So. Can we just let it be, Danny? Can we just stare at each other and pretend that we're just brothers? Can we tease each other and pretend it's not flirting? Can we come to the library and can you just sit and watch me think and not call ourselves homosexuals? Words are dirty, Danny. Just like your father said, 'words distort what a person feels in their heart.' You have enough silence in your life Danny, I know, but can we just be quiet? I'm sorry Danny, we can still talk about Freud and everything, but can we act like it's not us? Please Danny."

When Danny didn't answer for a while, I panicked. Great job Reuven, now you got him angry, I scolded. Quietly, and and tentatively I whispered, '_Danny?' _ There was no response so slowly I turned around only to find Danny asleep against my back. I slowly turned back, more careful this time not to jostle him and rouse him from his sleep. Danny warm against my back and completely docile. I could imagine what his face looked like. His blue eyes closed, his face relaxed with Freud in his hands. His skullcap slightly askew and his earlocks hanging forward along his pale, chiseled, cheeks, framing his angelic face perfectly. At that moment, I didn't really care if I was homosexual or bisexual or whatever, it just felt good to have Danny slumped against me, dreaming Danny dreams, quiet in the back of the library. Our own world where anything went and we were safe. Danny made me feel safe, and completely normal.


End file.
